My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
