Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
did i walk over a car last night?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
