Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
