Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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