I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize