Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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