If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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