So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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