The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
