Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Please don't give away my fajitas
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
