I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
