I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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