Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
