I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
