No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
