You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
