Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
