One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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