I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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