I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
