I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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