I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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