Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
