there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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