my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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