I'm going to jail i love you
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
