Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Randomize
