why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize