I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
