that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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