the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
