omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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