Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
