My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
