Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
