it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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