i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
