i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
