Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
