Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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