Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You ruined the universe
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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