i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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