i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
