Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
