I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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