i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
