the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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