You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
