Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
