so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
