Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
ttyl tear gas
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
