So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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