he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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