You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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