moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
