She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
